memories bring uncertainty
by MikaMikaBOOM2.0
Summary: [Mo Dao Zu Shi] Lan Sizhui did not remember his life before being brought to the Cloud Recess. Having been a toddler at the time, his memories of his first few years at the Cloud Recess had been foggy at best, but the memories prior to it were nonexistent. Sometimes he wished he had those memories. Now would be the perfect example of one such time.


Lan Sizhui did not remember his life before being brought to the Cloud Recess. Having been a toddler at the time, his memories of his first few years at the Cloud Recess had been foggy at best, but the memories prior to it were nonexistent. Sometimes he wished he had those memories. Now would be the perfect example of one such time.

He was staring at the bloody corpse in front of him, their tiny, rotted hand extended out to him. He- he knew them. She - the corpse was of an old woman, silver hair shining despite the bloody water that matted it to its bashed-in skull- was familiar, so much so that something, a name perhaps, was on the tip of his tongue.

"..." The corpse murmured something, but whatever it was was lost in the noise around them.

And perhaps despite his better judgement, he reached out to touch the hand himself. It was small and bony, the little skin that covered it was gray and waxy, and its fingers webbed in wrinkles, both from age and the water. It was missing the thumb and index finger, with a gaping tear in the water-bloated flesh left behind. The few gnarled fingers left locked with his, and then, then Sizhui noticed it. There, on the side of her hand, still visible despite the years of decay, was a scar, one that he knew had come from an axe when she was young. And then something, a small part of himself that had been locked in his memories, clicked into place.

"...gran-ny…?"

The name was barely a whisper on his lips, but somehow it, she, heard it. Her face was horribly decomposed, her once tan skin having turned a sickly green and a murky gray, and slimy pale maggots had eaten away at her eye sockets, nose, and mouth, and yet, her mouth still stretched into something that bore a passing resemblance to a smile, rotted and missing teeth as it was. The disciples surrounding him, who he had honestly forgotten about in the moment, recoiled at the sight. One of them even threw up at the sight of her smile.

"A-Yuan…" The corpse said as best she could, missing a tongue and quite a few of her teeth. Still, at the affectionate mention of the name, the memories that he had lost came back all at once, like a tidal wave. The blood corpses - these people! - he, he had known them! This corpse, holding his hand and smiling, she was his Granny! And over there, tearing apart their enemies, that was Uncle Four! And there… his eyes turned to the Ghost General, who was mixing between fighting and looking in what seemed to be anguish at the blood corpses. That was… that was Wen Ning. He looked at Mo Xuanyu, no, Wei Wuxian, fighting alongside Lan Wangji. He couldn't help but superimpose a memory of a man, taller and wider, with hair as dark as a crow's feathers, over him. That was… Brother Xian.

But… how? How had he known them? How had he known Wei Wuxian? Why had he forgotten? Who… who was he?

He was ripped from his thought when Granny ripped away her hand and bounded into the fray, ferociously tearing apart corpses in a manner that contradicted her small stature. Was this truly the same one that had just held his hand so gently and called him A-Yuan with such affection?

As the question piled up in his head, all he could do was watch as the blood corpses, people he had known a lifetime ago, tore through the enemy with the ferocity of beasts. There were so few of them, barely thirty in total, and yet they cut through the sea of corpses like they were but blades of grass. Within the hour, the noise had diminished, and the few remaining enemies were cut down. These people he had known, these bloody corpses who had fought like demons, stood triumphant, surrounded by their victims. One after one, the victors shuffled over to where Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji stood, and as the wizened figure of Granny passed by to join them, something made Sizhui nearly join her. He had barely taken two steps forward when he was grabbed from behind.

"What are you doing?!" Lan Jingyi hissed, "You saw what those things just did! Do you have a death wish or something?!"

Sizhui frowned. "But… I know them…" He murmured.

"What!? Are you crazy?" Lan Jingyi asked. "Did you hit your head or something?!"

Sizhui scowled at his friend. "No, I didn't! It's just…" He looked at the small group, "I know them."

Before his eyes, the group of bloody corpses collapsed, and began to crumble. Lan Jingyi wasn't fast enough to catch him this time as he dashed forward towards the small figure.

"GRANNY!" The word tore from his lungs in a urgent shriek, drawing the attention of most of the people still in the cave, but in that moment, Lan Sizhui didn't care. He had just remembered, he had just gotten the memories of these people back and now he was losing them all over again. He was too late, though. The figures had already crumbled to dust in the few seconds it had taken him to run over. He collapsed to his knees next to the piles that had been Granny just a few seconds ago.

"Granny… no… please… I just… I just remembered!" His voice wobbled, tears blurring his vision as he reached towards the dust. Before he could, someone grabbed his wrist. Blinking through his tears, he looked up to seeLan Wangji. Immediately, the realization of what he had just done caught up with him.

"HanGuang-Jun, sir, I'm-"

" _Don't touch them as you please. You'll be under corpse poisoning if you don't wear gloves."_ He said softly. There was something odd about his expression, but Sizhui didn't dwell on it.

"O-oh." He mumbled.

"Here!" Sizhui looked up to see Jingyi offer an empty perfume pouch to Wen Ning, who was also knelt by the piles of dust. The Ghost General's pockets and clothes were already full of crimson dust. Oh.

"Take mine as well!" Another boy said, offering his own empty perfume pouch to Wen Ning. Soon, Wen Ning was surrounded by disciples offering up their empty pouches to him. Sizhui removed his own to give to him as well. Wen Ning looked as flustered as a corpse could at this new development, but still he accepted the pouches, quietly filling them with as much dust as he could.

Sizhui didn't miss the odd looks he was getting, not only from the other boys, but Wen Ning and Wei Wuxian as well. He'd have to come clean with his outburst sooner or later, but for now, he decided to thank their saviors. " _Senior Wei, HanGuang-Jun, and General Ghost, this time, thank you so much for-_ "

" _For what?"_ A voice from the crowd interrupted him. Once again, it was Fang MengChen. He stood up, his face twisted with rage, and jagged glass in his tone as he spoke. _"What is all this?!"_

" _What is all what?"_ Sizhui asked cautiously. Fang MengChen gave him a look of disdain, and when he spoke again, his voice carried venom on the glass as he addressed them all.

" _I'm asking you—what is all this? Atonement?! You haven't all began to feel gratitude towards him in your hearts, have you?!"_ He snapped. _"Have you all forgotten what he's done?! Are you really letting yourselves feel gratitude towards this monster?!"_

Sizhui wanted to argue with him, he wanted to scream about how they would all be dead if it hadn't been for Wei Wuxian, but even in his own inner turmoil, he could still make out his logic. These had been the people who had condemned Wei Wuxian for his usage of demonic cultivation, and had come here to destroy it once again. Yet, they had been saved by the use of demonic cultivation, the very reason they had come.

The fact that no one spoke up seemed to further agitate Fang MengChen, however, because he lunged at Wei Wuxian with his sword in hand. "Do you really think that just because you've done a few good deeds and claim to have repented for your crimes, that it would wash away all the blood on your hands?!"

Wei Wuxian dodged, and whatever weight that held him back vanished, allowing Sizhui to step up.

" _Fang-xiong! Please calm yourself. Let it go…"_ He attempted to calm the irate man down. His attempts, however, only drew Fang MengChen's wrath onto himself.

"And you! We all heard what you called one of those monsters! You're with them aren't you, you goddamn traitor!" He snarled. Sizhui could feel the eyes boring into him from all sides. Oh gods, not now, not when everyone was looking right at him, not when Brother Xian and Wen Ning and Lan Wangji were watching, not now- A figure moved between him and Fang MengChen.

"Now, now, Fang MengChen," Wei Wuxian chided, his tone carrying a hint of warning. "Let's leave him out of this, hm?"

"Or what, you'll kill me like you killed my parents?! Who knows, maybe in a few years you'll do a few "good deeds" and pretend that you've repented for my murder as well!" Fang MengChan was shrill with hysteria now. "You may try to fool everyone else, but I know what you really are, you monster!"

" _Then what do you want me to do?"_ Wei Wuxian spoke up. Even from behind the man, Sizhui could feel Fang MengChen's surprise.

"What?" For the first time since the battle ended and the yelling started, Fang MengChen was at a loss for words.

Wei Wuxian shifted, straightening his spine, lifting his head just a bit. "I said, "What would you want me to do?", Fang MengChen. What do you want? Do you wish for my death, to appease your desire for vengeance?" He pointed at a comatose man among the crowd, whose name escaped Sizhui at the moment. _"He's missing a leg, while I was cut into pieces; you lost your parents, while my family had long since been gone. I'm a dog who was chased out of its home. I've never even seen the ashes of my parents."_ He lowered his hand, before waving it at Wen Ning, who was still knelt over the crimson dust that had been the bloody corpses. _"Or do you hate the Wen Sect's remnants? The Wen Sect remnants that you speak of already died once, thirteen years ago. And right now, just then, for my sake, for your sake, they died once again. This time, they've all become ashes."_ Sizhui clenched his fists, and Wei Wuxian continued. "Let me ask you—just what else do you want me to do?"

For a moment, there was silence, before Fang MengChen spoke up again, through gritted teeth. "I will never forgive or forget what you did to my parents, no matter what you say or do. It'll never happen!"

The anger in Wei Wuxian's body language melted away, replace by something like sadness, or was it perhaps remorse? Without having a view of Wei Wuxian's face, Sizhui could only guess. "I don't expect anyone to forgive me for what I've done." Wei Wuxian said softly, "The things I've done… you aren't the only one who will remember them. I will too, and arguably longer. You won't forget them, and neither will I."

Fang MengChen was silent. Then, with the sound of flapping fabric, harsh footsteps, and a final shout, he ran out of the cave.

Soon, the sects were trickling out of the cave, their spiritual energy having returned for the most part, and were departing back to their own sects. Everyone was so tired, no one was confronting him about his outburst earlier. If he could just slip in amongst the rest of the Lan Sect-! A hand plucked him up by the back of his robes before he could disappear into the sea of white and red. Any hope to get away was dashed the moment he saw his captor: Wen Ning.

"Please come with me." The Ghost General said softly, and began walking away with him. While he had seemingly given him a choice, he actually hadn't. Where was he taking him anyway? Oh gods, they were headed straight for Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. No, nope, he was not going to have another crisis today, thank you very much. He had to get away NOW.

Unfortunately, when one is being carried by the back of the robes, one does not have the same leverage that someone, say, who was being carried by the waist would have. For one, he had nothing to balance on and properly use his weight in strikes. The odd angle that his robes caught his arms also hindered any punches or strike he could have made, and due to the fact that he was dangling, any kicks he could have made were also hindered. So, unfortunately, all he could do was hang in Wen Ning's grip and pray that this wouldn't turn out badly for him.

Honestly, he had expected Wen Ning to just drop him in front of Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji, so he was pleasantly surprised when he was gently lowered so he feet could touch the ground, before being let go.

Looking up at his seniors didn't help his nerves. A stranger would think Lan Wangji looked emotionless and blank, but Sizhui could tell that he was concerned? about him? by the slight furrow of his brows. Yep, his outburst had DEFINITELY caught his attention and Sizhui really should have just kept his mouth shut shouldn't he have? Arguably, looking at the face Wei Wuxian - Brother Xian - was making, was even worse. In the short time he had known him, he didn't think he'd ever seen his senior ever look so, so, raw. His grey eyes were dark and reddened, his jaw was tight, and he looked so **tired** angry **sad** wary.

"Who are you?" Wei Wuxian asked quietly.

Sizhui hesitated. Who was he? Before, he would have immediately answered with "Lan Sizhui", but now… he didn't know.

"I… I am Lan Sizhui." He said uncertainly.

" **Don't lie to me.** " Wei Wuxian said darkly, his eyes gleaming red. Sizhui had never been scared by Brother Xian, but now…

"You called her "Granny", so tell me the truth! Who are you?!" Wei Wuxian commanded.

"I DON'T KNOW!"

He could feel all of them looking at him, but all he could look at was his own shoes with blurry eyes. "I don't… I don't know anymore." He confessed.

Someone sighed, and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Sizhui looked up, and even through his tears, could make out Lan Wangji.

"Then tell us what you do know." He suggested patiently.

"...Okay." Sizhui sniffed, and wiped his face on his sleeve, for once not caring about dirtying it as it was already covered in grime and blood.

"She… the old woman corpse… she was Granny. She had a scar on her hand and I… I know her! And she.. She called me A-Yuan! She knew me too! ...didn't she?" He fumbled.

"A-Yuan...?" Wei Wuxian repeated. Sizhui looked at him. He look heartbroken, yet hopeful, yet wary.

"How… how old are you?" Wei Wuxian asked.

"I'm sixteen." What?

"Do you think..?" Wen Ning said. Wei Wuxian nodded. "I just need to check one thing." He gave a slight smile to Sizhui. "Sorry in advance~!" Wait what was he sorry for-! Before Sizhui could even react, Wei Wuxian had spun him around, grabbed the neck of his robes, and yanked them down.

"What- what do you think you're doing!?" Sizhui spluttered, but Wei Wuxian didn't seem to hear him. Sizhui craned his neck to look at him and Wen Ning, and they looked like they were staring at something on his back.

"What?" He asked. "What's the matter with my back?" Wen Ning looked up at him. "I can't believe it. A-Yuan…"

Wei Wuxian reacted differently. He spun Sizhui back around at an almost dizzying speed, and Sizhui hadn't even had time to recover before his face was at Wei Wuxian's shoulder and his senior was holding him tight.

"Senior Wei-" He started to protest, but was cut off by a sob.

"A-Yuan… A-Yuan…you're alive... I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… it was all my fault… I thought you were dead… I'm so sorry…" Wei Wuxian, no, Brother Xian mumbled as he held Sizhui like his life depended on it.

And after a moment, Sizhui returned the hug.

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 _*All italicized portions were lifted from the novel translation by Exiled Rebels Scanalations!_

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 **A/N: Welp, I came back to dust off the ol account, and publish one of my latest works, which can also be found on Quotev and AO3 under the same title. If any of y'all want to follow the account I use the most, my AO3 handle is SincerelyBel [ /users/SincerelyBel] . I'm also active on Tumblr! My DGM/Main Blog is mysteriouslypinkconnoisseur and my Boku no Hero Academia side blog is irljiroukyouka! I also maintain a smaller side blog, sincerelybel, where you can see my artwork, crochet projects, and links to my latest fics!**


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